HILLARY-IOUS!!! Tina Fey of Saturday Night Live IS Sarah Palin
Posted by stylebitch on September 18, 2008
FEY/PALIN: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight.
POEHLER/CLINTON: And I was told I would be addressing you alone.
FEY/PALIN: Now I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together. What with me being John McCain’s running mate.
POEHLER/CLINTON: And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama, as evidenced by this button.
FEY/PALIN: But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign.
POEHLER/CLINTON: An issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about.
FEY/PALIN: You know, Hillary and I don’t agree on everything…
POEHLER/CLINTON: (OVERLAPPING) Anything. I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
FEY/PALIN: And I can see Russia from my house.
POEHLER/CLINTON: I believe global warming is caused by man.
FEY/PALIN: And I believe it’s just God hugging us closer.
POEHLER/CLINTON: I don’t agree with the Bush Doctrine.
FEY/PALIN: I don’t know what that is.
POEHLER/CLINTON: But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate an American election.
FEY/PALIN: So, please, stop photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures.
POEHLER/CLINTON: And stop saying I have cankles.
FEY/PALIN: Don’t refer to me as a “MILF.”
POEHLER/CLINTON: And don’t refer to me as a “Flurge.” I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it.
FEY/PALIN: So, we ask reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like “pretty,” “attractive,” “beautiful.”
POEHLER/CLINTON: “Harpy,” “shrew,” and “boner shrinker.”
FEY/PALIN: While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies. You know it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska. What’s the difference—
FEY/PALIN: …between a hockey mom—
FEY/PALIN: …and a pitbull?
FEY/PALIN: (PAUSE) Lipstick. Just look at how far we’ve come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House. And me, Sarah Palin, who is even closer. Can you believe it, Hillary?
POEHLER/CLINTON: (PAUSE) I cannot.
FEY/PALIN: It’s truly amazing, and I think women everywhere can agree that no matter your politics, it’s time for a woman to make it to the White House.
POEHLER/CLINTON: No! Mine! It’s supposed to be mine! I need to say something. I didn’t want a woman to be President. I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman. And I don’t want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire, and you just glided in on a dog sled wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses.
FEY/PALIN: What an amazing time we live in. To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska’s crystal meth capitol. And now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. It just goes to show that anyone can be President.